The Paradox of Self-Help

When a client starts coaching, I often hear a story like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I read all these self-help books but I just can’t make them stick.” If that’s you, you aren’t alone and there is nothing wrong with you. 
Obviously as a coach I am biased, but I think self-help often falls short. One reason is that when writing a self-help book or designing a self-help program, the author is incentivized to sell as many units as possible. To do this, it makes sense to make everything sound as simple as possible, and as broadly applicable as possible. But this creates a paradox, because if it was really that easy, you’d probably already be doing it. 

Self-help books also can’t provide accountability. Change is often hard, as illustrated by this 5-stage model:

Source: inFocus Leadership Solutions

Self-help frequently leaves you in the “Uninformed Optimism” stage. That’s why a book might seem like it “should” be easy, and why you can read one, get excited about suggestions, and never follow through. Coaching, in contrast, allows you to get support through the “valley of despair” and provide accountability as you navigate back up to success. 

Another challenge with self-help is that it isn’t personalized. Even if an approach works, you get a one-size-fits-all, cookie-cutter answer, or at best maybe a few different strategies. Everyone is different though, and the answer that works for you may not be the one that works for everyone (or anyone) else. 

Self-help also isn’t interactive. It doesn’t allow you to verbally process. With another person, you can see their reaction to your suggestions and how your ideas “land,” e.g. does it look like you’re being too hard on yourself? Another person can also offer a “reality check” based on previous decisions and strategies you’ve tried. 

Note that I’m not saying all self-help is bad or doesn’t work. A book can provide you with knowledge and awareness, and sometimes that’s all that’s needed to change your perspective or start doing something differently. Some books are also more process-focused, offering solutions on how to apply their ideas to your own life. I often suggest books like How to Keep House While Drowning to my clients so they can learn from the author while using me for accountability and as a brainstorming partner. 

If you’re interested in coaching, you can reach out or schedule a free consultation here.